Memories of You
by CelestialFeathers999
Summary: Love is a double-edged blade. Experimental style. Negitoro.


When we first met, you were working part-time as a barista. I had to repeat my order three times before you finally got it right. You must have been quite flustered and clumsy from reasons I didn't yet comprehend. I was in a hurry and the only thing on my mind had been getting my fix of caffeine before class and I didn't notice the way you stuttered. Even then, your face, dusted with the slightest tinge of red was etched into my memory.

Thinking back on it now, there were so many things about you I can't forget. Little things, like how you liked to play with your hair when you were nervous. I'd often get distracted too, by the way your fingers ran restlessly through the curly locks that framed your face and we'd break out in laughter mid-argument because looking at you always made me forget why I was angry in the first place. I remember how you liked to say every word, nuances and mispronunciations; your lovely face, bright with embarrassment when your English accent sometimes slipped out.

We had our first kiss in the rain. There had been some sort of misunderstanding between us and I ran outside after screaming at you to stay away from me. I don't even know why I was so angry. All I know is that you chased after me anyways. In your hurry, you didn't bring your umbrella either and we stood under the raging storm like idiots. I didn't care. And neither did you. Because that was the first time you held me and told me that you loved me. The feeling of your arms wrapped around from behind me was something I never knew could feel so sweet. We were both drenched and chilled to the bone by the time you finished your confession. I was shivering but your lips were warm and I embraced it: the taste of you, my tears and the rain.

My friends always liked to tease you, especially after learning that we were official. You were so stubborn too, trying to prove yourself at every turn. Even though you had no tolerance for alcohol, you never refused Mei when she challenged you to drink. I pretended to be upset when you had to be driven back, unconscious, just so you would apologize and pamper me the next day. Your blatant innocence was just so cute; I couldn't help it.

I never expected you to propose to me; in fact, I had forgotten altogether that marriage existed until it happened. We had just bought our apartment and you received a promotion at work, while I found my first job. I really thought the dinner you had planned was to celebrate all of that. For some reason, I started crying when you pulled out the ring. I would regret it too if it weren't for how you panicked and tripped over yourself to comfort me. I don't think the waiter ever saw it coming when you bumped into him and cake went flying everywhere. It was…no, still is, one of the liveliest memories of us I have.

Your parents hated me the moment they laid eyes on me. That family dinner was the first and only time I ever held a conversation with them and it had been an unpleasant one. From talking with them, I understood your reluctance to tell me about your childhood and why you hadn't introduced me to your family for so long. Perhaps from the moment you asked me to attend the dinner with you, you knew that it wouldn't end peacefully. Your face had been calm, even when they raised their voices, but I could tell that every word tormented you deeply. I felt guilty too, because instead of bringing home a husband and kids, you brought me. And that was the very thing that made you a damned person in their eyes, a failure. I hated myself for being weak, then; hated that the only thing I could do was hold your hand as the two people who raised you declared that you were no longer a part of their family.

We returned home that night, the wounds in our hearts bleeding out in the form of tears. I curled up next to you and we said nothing for the longest time. Then you turned to me and reassured me even as you cried. As if I were the one more hurt by those people.

The next weekend, I took you to see my mother. She had been looking forward to meeting you for years. We went out for lunch, joked around and did nothing special. You easily charmed her and by the end of the day, the two of you seemed more like mother and daughter. I had pouted in false jealousy but really, I couldn't be happier.

I didn't want you to take the international job that your company assigned. Offending your boss seemed like a small price to pay to keep you by my side. Six months was an eternity when we'd barely been apart for two days. I showed my disapproval in every way possible when you decided that such a trip was necessary to further your career. Our cat did too, when he sensed that something was off, and sat on your suitcase until I carried him off to another room. He didn't stop yowling for hours after you left. I couldn't stop my tears from falling, in the silence that followed.

Our reunion was supposed to be a joyful one. I had imagined the scene countless times in my mind; your smile when you stepped in the door, your voice as you called my name. I wondered if you'd become darker from spending such a long time in that city. I tried to guess what your hair would smell like when I buried my face in it as we hugged. I was hopelessly obsessed with thoughts of you. I couldn't concentrate at all during the day and I could almost feel your arms around me in my dreams.

But with all my fantasies, I couldn't foresee that I'd be opening the door to an unfamiliar man, dressed in uniform. I didn't think I'd be hearing words of melancholic apology, mixed with the awkwardness of the stranger delivering the message. I didn't think I'd be breaking traffic laws for the first time in my life to rush to those white hallways. I didn't think that the first time I saw your face after half a year, that it would be in that suffocating room. I didn't want to see how the accident had twisted your elegant features to a barely-recognizable mass of mangled flesh. I didn't want to hear the doctor's whispered explanations on how there was no way you could have survived a collision like that. I only wished to hear you call my name again…even if that was impossible.

I wore black on that day. Among the crowd of people who gathered in memory of you, I found your father and brother. We exchanged solemn nods and acted like we were strangers. The entire world felt so distant…but that was okay. Because somewhere deep inside, I wanted to believe that the more foreign these living, breathing people felt to me, the close I'd be to you.

When we first met, I was just a foolish girl. You breathed colour into my life and together, we tasted the most precious treasure the world has to offer. I remember you once told me that I'd never be able to get rid of you, even if I wanted to. And yet it was you, who left me all alone; abandoned in this empty world, with the echoes of a faded lie. But I forgive you, all the same. I could never really blame you for anything.

But this isn't the end for us, because today, I'll make the same promise to you, Luka.

I'll find you, no matter where you are.

Wait for me.

* * *

 **A/N:**

I was originally going to just stuff this in my oneshot collection but the style of writing is really different from everything else in there (and also because I wanted to rip off that persona 3 song). I could probably go back and edit a lot more but...maybe later :'D


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